As time is passing somewhat quickly toward June, I find myself becoming overwhelmed with decisions and A LOT OF FEAR! Don't get me wrong, I love Cliff more than I thought it possible to love another human being (other than my children, of course) but I am starting to freak out a little. I am leaving a job that I feel very secure in...I am worried about finding another job, (I am NOT very impressive on paper.)I am leaving the only place that I have ever known. I am leaving a church family that I absolutely LOVE. Most of all, I am taking my children and moving in with a man!!!!! It has been just the boys and I for so long that I kind of felt like this was it. I had somewhat accepted the fact that I would raise them alone and Mr. Right may or may not come along later in life.... Then, like a ton of bricks, I fell in love with Cliff. Somehow, I was lucky enough that he fell in love with me too. I feel that only Heavenly Father could have brought us together but why am I suddenly so scared? I am so worried that I will not be able to be the wife that he needs. I am worried that the kids and I are just going to be more than he bargained for. We only spend a few days together here and there. What if this is just not what we thought it could be? Cliff is this amazing man that has been righteous and wonderful his entire life and I am just about as big of a mess as anyone could ask for. My past is enough to drive anyone away and somehow, Cliff has been wonderful enough to look past it all. What if it all just becomes too much?
It is much easier for me to think about how much I absolutely ADORE Cliff Devries and how desperately I want to be his Mrs. but sometimes... I get scared. I am sure this is normal and I am not trying to be full of doom and gloom but this is BIG. Our lives are going to change in a HUGE way and it is all happening so fast. The boys love Cliff and I am so thankful that they have taken to him so well. Cliff, of course, what can even be said there. He has just opened his heart to all of us and we are so blessed because of it.
Despite how wonderful he is and how much I love him.. Sometimes... I get scared. I obsess over my body and how much I hate it. I know that this next part may just seem nuts but I have spent the last 14 years being sad (most of the time) I have spent the last 14 years feeling that I was not worth much and that I was worthy of even less. That has been me. I found some much needed happiness through my friendship with Mia but still, I was sad. How does that just go away? I find that sometimes I have to swallow the lump that is in my throat when Cliff calls because I just do not want to have to explain that I am crying and sad for absolutely no reason other than I am just crying and sad. (I am nuts, I know.)
Sometimes... I get scared but I know that I love this man. I love this man. I love this man and I want to be his wife for time and all eternity.
Sorry, this one was kind of a bummer... Thanks for reading.
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4 weeks ago
Steph ~ you are an amazing and beautiful person inside and out!!!GOD has truly blessed you!! Remember GOD does not give you what you cannot handle!!
ReplyDeleteLove you....Jenn
It's always so easy to forgive others and forget their mistakes...but when it comes to our own issues, well, we just don't want to ever let it go. Cliff doesn't look at you and see every mistake you've made in the past or see you as a burden. He looks at you and sees the amazing, beautiful, kind, selfless, giving person that we all see. The person who is always willing to give of her time to help someone else, even though she really doesn't have any to give (and never gets any to herself). The person who will always act cheerful and perky (even though she is sad inside) just to make a friend/sister feel better. The person who is always willing to put her own hurt aside in order to think of others.
ReplyDeleteYou are that person, Stephanie, to all of us! Next time you start to get scared, just think about those things. Put yourself in our shoes and think of the awesome person we all see. Then remember that that is the person Cliff is marrying. And he better know how lucky he is to get the chance! =)
I love you and can't wait to see you in a few months!
Girl - if I was with you right now, and had two legs to stand on - I'd kick your butt into next week. You are FINALLY getting exactly what you deserve!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteListen to your sister - do you hear me?
You are a strong righteous woman, who loves her children, her siblings, her parents AND NOW - HER MAN. You better get used to this my dear daughter, cause Cliff isn't going to go away, and neither are we.
I love,love, love you sooooooooooo much!
Mmmmmmmwah - that's the big kiss that I just threw to you!
AMEN Suzanne!
ReplyDelete